Martyr by bamaslamma29

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 09/07/2003
Last Updated: 09/07/2003
Status: Completed

(Ron's POV) Poor Ron. Stuck in the middle of his two best friend's love denial...thing.
He tries to help, dole out advice, and only catches hell for it! Just a one-shot piece of nothing I
wrote one night when I was feeling nutty and full of insomnia. Enjoy!




1. Chapter 1: WHAT??
--------------------

WHAT??

I'm in the common room, and I'm staring at them. I'm sighing. I know I'm bloody
well sighing again, so get used to it for Merlin's sake! But I've a good reason for it.
Actually to be quite frank I have two good reasons for it and they're sitting right in front of
me…Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. My two best friends, the two most loyal people you'll
ever meet in your entire life…and the two biggest lunk-heads I'll ever know. Why you ask? Well
even if you didn't ask, even if you're tempted to turn tail and run right now, I'm too
frustrated and have no one else to take it f out on so sit you're bloody arse down 'cause
it'll be a while… That's right, I said sit!…Better.

Just watch and you'll see… You don't see anything? Well take a good long gander. Go on,
they won't notice. They don't notice *anything* because they're stuck. In what,
you say? In the dreaded friendship mode. The, "we're such good friends that we'd do
absolutely nothing to ruin it, even though it's obvious we're more than friends but refuse
to acknowledge it so the point is moot anyway"…*mode*.

Wait for it….wait…THERE! Did you see that little peek she just shot over her book to him? And if
you wa…LOOK. For the love of **Quidditch** that was a fast return. The fastest yet. He shot her
one too, exactly three point nine seconds later, and neither of them noticed. NEITHER OF THEM
NOTICED.

I know. I can't believe it either, and it's so bloody obvious to everyone but
themselves.

They're **bloody wonkers for each other**.

Every time Harry sees Hermione even talking to another bloke he goes round the bend, and not in
the traveling sense. He gets this look on his face like he's just lost his dog and there's
no other that could ever replace it, and it's always the same thing. "Ron, have I missed
something? Is Hermione dating someone?" You know, all nonchalant. As nonchalant as you can be
with a dumb-arse look like that on your face. But since I'm their best friend, I've always
suffered in silence and tried to nudge them in the right direction as gently as I can. I told him I
hadn't seen Hermione snogging anyone lately, but she was gone from the common room an awful
lot, wasn't she? I meant the library, but for some reason, Harry turned three shades of green.
He's always a mess, that one.

And Hermione, when she asks me the same thing, all tremulous like…"Do you know…I mean…is
Harry seeing anyone? I mean…well I thought he'd tell me…" I always try to play Harry up to
her. "Well you know, 'Mione. He's a good looking chap." I don't understand
why that one doesn't make her swoon and go running to him. I mean didn't I just play him up
to her? Completely nutters…

So I'm stuck trying to play psychologist, and doing my damndest to make them see that each
is unattached and buttinlove with the other. What else can I possibly do? I mean **REALLY**?

OH. You think **I'M** melodramatic? You should see Hermione every time some cute thing
with a hot arse and an agenda squiggles over to Harry and bats her overly false lashes at him. She
goes positively ape-shit. And the worst thing is that she usually finds some way to get annoyed at
me so she can take it out on me. Want an example? Hang on…*ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE*? I
didn't think so. SIT DOWN. Look I’m sorry. I'm just going mental what with all this
nonsense and I need a filter. I hope you like lint.

So going towards the Great Hall the other day, Harry, Hermione and I are headed toward our usual
place at the Gryf table. Hermione had her nose stuck in her Potions book and almost tripped, (a
daily occurrence, I assure you). Harry caught her in a flash, right before she nose-dived into
Seamus' pile of mashed potatoes. (Which by the way, he'd fashioned into a giant set of
breasts…the most realistic pair I've seen since Fred and George smuggled a copy of Banshee
Big'Uns into school in our fifth year. Great articles on Quidditch… *What*??)

ANYWAY…Well there they were, faces, and bodies (I might add) practically melded together as
he'd almost fallen on top of her to stop her fall. It's not as if she weighs much, but
'Mione insists on bringing her whole load of schoolbooks everywhere with her, which weighs her
down considerably. Back to the story…'Mione's face is as flushed as Snape's toilet, and
Harry has his usual dumb-arse, love-struck look on. (Cue the squicky gag noises.) And they just
stay that way! Oblivious to everything around them and all of the stares they're getting. Now
tell me something, please, just for kicks and shits. If you're so enamored of someone that you
completely lose the fact that you're surrounded by five-hundred or so more people, wouldn't
you say that it constitutes something more than friendship? Good. We're in agreement. Ok. So
here's where the crap hit the quaffle.

We finally sat down after those two started getting whistles and catcalls, and both turned
redder than Neville's arse when he'd gotten naked and drunk and been dragged outside to
sleep it off in the noonday sun right before summer vaca. (Ok I had something to do with that.)

Anyway, *all I said* was 'Hermione, should you and Harry ever decide to get married,
I'll vow he stays a virgin right 'till the wedding night…No matter what *arselicious*
babe tries to tempt him.' Then I gave him the wink and nudge. It's a guy thing.

Harry ground his teeth so tightly together that I thought he'd break them. And Hermione,
well she gave me *The Look*. The look that makes Harry and I do whatever she wants with no
argument. The look of blazing, fiery, "I know where you sleep" death by
disembowelment.

I still don't see what the big deal was. I mean it's so obvious that they're hot for
each other, and it's so obvious that I was only making a joke in an attempt for them to reveal
their true feelings. So what if it came out a little coarser than I'd planned…

So, here it is, two days later, and we're all sitting in the common room. Once again, Harry
and Hermione are giving each other sappy looks, but acknowledging *nada*…and once again,
they're furious with me for trying to help. But what's a bloke to do? You can only take so
much…

So I guess I'll just go on helping them as long as they need it. I'm sighing again, I
know. Merlin knows it might take quite a while as nothing I do seems to make them realize that they
were meant for each other, and I try so hard. I know I sound like a martyr, but I do.
**WHAT**??



